Hands run down flesh, pale with embarrassment

Jesus, I can’t even remember the last time I posted here. Last year maybe? I thought I was done with this account for good….but you know I will always come back to you guys. 

Shit has been rough. I lost a bunch of weight doing gluten-free/dairy-free and then I started doing really low carb too, and I looked great….for about two months. Now I cannot stop eating. It just goes to show that no matter how good you think you’re doing, if you deprive your body of anything you desire for too long it will backfire on you. I’m still terrified of all carbohydrates, but now, I end up binging and purging them almost everyday. I stopped for a few days after getting chest pains, but who I am kidding. Bulimia is what practically defines me now. I cannot stop. And to be honest, I don’t want to. Most days, it’s all that I have. 

But I’ve got to try. I’m going to be doing 1,800 calories for the next week to see where that gets me. I’ll go lower eventually but for now…Under 50g of carbs per day, and I will allow myself 1 cheat meal and 1 dessert (different days preferably) over the course of a week. I’ve got to regain some iota of normalcy, or I am just going to spiral into oblivion. I know 1,800 calories may seem like a lot to some of you, but if I go any lower I’m going to binge until my stomach explodes. Its absolutely vital that I get rid of my sugar addiction & get my stomach back to a normal size! You can do this. You can do this. I can do this!

I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging I hate purging 

And yet I continue to slowly kill this body that I was given, by ingesting mass amounts of food and forcing myself to vomit it up.

What’s wrong with this picture? 
I feel so far beyond help.  

I really hate throwing up when I don’t want/have to :( I guess I’m officially “allergic” to wheat and lactose….on the diet front that’s good news I suppose, but now I can’t enjoy anything, even in really small quantities.

I’m at work, and really scared. Allergic reactions are terrifying :( :(

I can feel the fatigue sink into my bones.

I will not break my diet. I will exercise when I am at my most tired. Nothing is going to get in the way of getting skinny. I will move my body; shake me, try to break me. 

I won’t break anymore. 

My perception of my body is so fucking distorted. It’s like I’m holding on to this disgusting lie that maybe, I’m not as fat as I probably am. I’m still slightly average, right? So. Wrong. I work at a gym, and today I found out I’m 30% body fat. That’s so fucking disgusting it terrified me. This ends here. I’m already eating pretty damn good, I just need to start forcing myself to exercise every damn day. This disgusting cycle of fat ends here.

30%? No fucking way, at least not from this day on.